How Does That Go Again...?

Lately I have taken some time away from my writing to indulge myself in some of the other fine delicacies that life has to offer, like drinking in creepy ally-ways in Wyoming, throwing rocks at kids and yelling really loud at old people for no apparent reason. Fear not however, Z is back with plenty of raw, delicious and juicy material that will have your cranium rolling for weeks on end.

One thing I did want to talk about this time is some interesting common phrases we have in the English language; that when you think about it, make no sense.

'Taking a Shit'

What the hell does that really imply a person is doing? Excreting feces through their rectum? If you answered that question with a yes, you are fucking wrong my friend. To 'take a shit', in proper English, means to remove waste matter eliminated from the bowels of an organism; in this case a human, from its final resting position in any given location on the planet Earth and relocate it to a place of it's takers choosing. That being said, what can we take from this? That I believe people are bucked up. When someone says they are "Taking a shit," I call BS. That means that if they are at a sporting event for example, they head to the bathroom to do the unthinkable. They go into the shitters, looking for a un-flushed toilet in search of a brown treasure that they intend to 'bob' for in the cold and dirty water. Once this nugget of sin is in their possession, the next step in to place it in a safe place....a pocket for example. From there, you use your imagination.

In conclusion, the proper term to describe and individuals need to expel their bowels is "Leave a Shit". Say it to yourself, "Leave a shit".

Example of college girls conversation with wrong usage:

Cindy: Hey girl what you up to?
Laura: Just doing homework
Cindy: Like totally, I just finished my homework
Laura: Fo sho
Cindy: Hey, where you goin?
Laura: I gotta take a shit...

Clearly you can see where the errors were in this example. That is right, errors. First, Laura should have described her need to fill the toilet with fecal excrements as, "Leave a Shit" and not "Take a Shit" as the latter implies she plans on bringing her so called 'log' back into the room with her. Which if you think about it, is a waste of time. I would consider it much more efficient if she just took a duke on her bed and called it good. The second error in this conversation is that there was no college girl on college girl, college girl on MILF or college girl on Nun action. Now, lets get to the correct way this ordeal should proceed:

Example of college girls conversation with proper usage:

Cindy: Hey girl what you up to?
Laura: Just doing homework
Cindy: Like totally, I just finished my homework
Laura: Fo sho
Cindy: Hey, where you goin?
Laura: I gotta leave a shit
Nun: By the Father, Son and Holy Ghost that is wickedly sexy English
Laura: Wow, a real Nun...
Cindy: *giggle* *giggle*

[ Nun and Laura make out][Enter Random Milf]

Milf: Hello girls,....I'm a 35 year old single hot mom with an abusive husband

[ Nun, Laura and Milf make out]

Cindy: Look gum...

[ Cindy chokes on gum and dies of asphyxiation]

As you can see there is a right way and a wrong way to say things, it is up to you to speak your language correctly. Don't fuck up....n00b.

Go Navy

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a U.S. Naval ship with Canadian Authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10 October 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision

Canadians Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.