Nicholas Cage

I can describe Nicholas Cage in two words, Douche bag. You may be asking why I would make such a comment about this man, well it’s true and if you don’t agree, fuck off. How many people would actually be excited to see Nicholas Cage in person? Second, I would not lie to you all. Thirdly, if you still don’t agree, fuck off.

Let us list some of the movies that he has been in.

National Treasure-Producer: Jerry Bruckheimer
The Rock- Producer: Jerry Bruckheimer
Gone in 60 Seconds- Producer: Jerry Bruckheimer
Con Air- Producer: Jerry Bruckheimer

Looking at the above data, you may notice something odd. The first and most obvious is that all four of those movies suck a homeless man’s balls. They were horrible projects. The second is that Jerry Bruckheimer has produced all four of those films. That is a lot of movies for a shitty actor and a homosexual director to collaborate on. All four of these movies combined grossed about 506k overall. Spiderman 3 did that in one week worldwide.

I believe the problem with Jerry Bruckheimer and Nicholas Cage is that they are Emos incognito and hiding a scandalous Hollywood love affair. Don’t believe me? Fuck you, I have proof. Some of my “top sources” were able to intercept an America on Line Instant Message between the two earlier this month. I am the only person who has this information available.

xxXNcageLOLXxx- Yo J you there?

JBLike2CUTalot- LOL, ya dude, whats goin on, lol???

xxXNcageLOLXxx- listen man, I need work. Do you have any other boring and pointless movies that I can ruin with my shitty acting?

JBLike2CUTalot- lol, dont say that about your acting, you wouldn’t want the media and public to know that you genuinely suck as an actor and would be best off hanging yourself.

XxXNcageLOLXxx- do you think you could get me into a movie with a good actor, maybe someone like Tom Hanks or Johnny Depp?

JBLike2CUTalot- I don’t really see that being possible as just about every REAL actor in Hollywood hates you.

xxXNcageLOLXxx- I don’t understand it. What did I do to be so disliked?

JBLike2CUTalot- For starters, you’re one of the worst actors ever to be on screen. Maybe when you filmed that ending scene in Wicker Man, it should have been real.

xxXNcageLOLXxx- wow, I feel useless. My hair is receding, I’m ugly and I smell like dead kittens. What should I do?

JBLike2CUTalot-Well, being a complete fag of a director myself, I cannot give you the best advice on life. Why don’t you come on over and cut with me? We can do each others hair and wear tight pants.

xxXNcageLOLXxx- OMFG! That sounds so fun…lol lol. I am on my way.

And there you have it. The two are faggish Emos.