Friday, June 08, 2007

The Men's Restroom

I have wanted to write on this topic for sometime, and after many years, it is time to publish my thoughts. For all the women out there who want or don’t want to know, I am going to unveil the secrets of the men’s restroom and talk about what really goes on behind that door. In my travels, I have been in and used thousands of public restrooms around the world. I have noticed that there are some similarities that take place in just about every one of them, as well as a few differences.

The men’s restroom is like the ‘safe-base’ in kickball. You dodge, run and hurdle over other people to get to it, and once in, you’re safe. By ‘safe’ I mean able to drop your guard, manners and fake bullshit attitude that is put on for the rest of the world. The fucking place is even aptly named Restroom, or place of rest, and it is a break from the outside. I can surely bet that many men will agree when I say that there are things that go on in this room that are seen and done that are not regularly talked about.

First off, let us dispel a few myths that surround the Men’s Restroom so we can start this lecture with a fresh slate.

Guy Piss with their pants and boxers/briefs around their ankles: Sorry to disappoint, but this is a myth. This was something that boys do in the 1st grade, and they only do it once. That is because if another boy, or group of boys, sees some kid pissing with his pants all the way down, he/they kick the bottomless mother fucker in the back of the knees. This causes the little bastard to fall and piss on himself. Pants on the floor is like letting the American flag touch the ground, you just don’t do it.

Glory holes: A complete fucking lie. I pity the poor man who puts his junk inside a hole in the wall. I think in order to discourage use of such holes, automatic garbage disposals should be installed on the other side.

The restroom attendant is always black: Actually, this isn’t a myth. It’s a fact, and I’m pretty sure it’s the same guy everywhere you go.

As mentioned above, I have noticed several similarities that exist in men’s restrooms around the world. More specifically, there seems to be certain behaviors exhibited almost exactly the same way in every restroom. I have long observed these behaviors in the restroom (most of which was audible, you fags), and have classified them into the following:

The Grunter: What the fuck is this guy’s problem? I can’t tell you have many times I’m sitting on the john and one of these mother fuckers plants his ass in the stall next to me. At first he sounds like he could be a normal shitter, and then you hear the first of a series of grunts and moans. It’s horrific, but you think, fuck it, the son of a bitch probably had shitty Mediterranean food with taco bell hot sauce for lunch. Not a big deal you tell your self, I can handle this. Things become quiet and you wait for the wonderful sound of the spinning industrial toilet paper roll in his stall. Then all of a sudden, more grunts, sighs and devilish sounds emanate from his unit. I try not to imagine what the fuck is going on over there. These guys sound like they are taking a steel brush and cleaning their urethra, then spraying lime juice and salt on it. I don’t fucking understand it. Do they not know that other people can hear them? Do they not understand that is sounds like they are being fucking tortured? Jesus, shut the fuck up and let the rest of us shit in peace.

The Cell Phone Guy: Same situation as above. I will be sitting there, minding my own business and some dude sits in the stall next to mine. Whatever right? Yeah, well everything seems okay at first. Then I hear this fucker start to dial his phone! Whenever someone calls me, and their voice sounds like it has a bit of an echo, I ask them if they are in a bathroom. If they say yes, I tell them to fuck off and call me back. If not, they’re lying and I hang up on them. This is an actual shortened conversation I over heard yesterday in the men’s restroom between a Cell Phone Guy and what I presumed to be his office manager:

Cell Phone Guy: Judy, it’s Rick. Just wanted to see if we got that 1040 form filled out this week.

Judy: No, I will do it right now.

Rick: Thanks, you are awesome, talk to you later.

Judy: Bye


Little did poor Judy know, that while she was talking to her boss, he was shitting his brains out in some restroom. Cell Phone Guy should have been more honest and told his office manager what he was really doing at the time of his call. The conversation between the two should be more like this:


Rick: Judy, its Rick. Just wanted to see if we got that 1040 form filled out this week.

Judy: No, I will do it right now. By the way, it sounds like you are placing this call from within a restroom.

Rick: Why yes, I am taking a huge shit, and figured that now would be the most convenient time to call you.

Judy: Wow, that’s stimulating knowledge Rick. What did you have for lunch?

Rick: I don’t know. But it looks like it had corn in it. It also appears there is no more toilet paper. Guess I am going to have to use my hand again…gee wiz.

Judy
: I never wipe. I don’t see the purpose. I love the feeling of crusty shit flakes…yum.

Rick: You’re such a dirty bitch. Anyways, I have a few more calls to make. I could make them after I am done in here, but what the fuck, I feel like being an annoying ass hole.

Judy: Oh my god, that’s soooo emo… LOL, you’re so funny, lol lol.


Jesus fucking Christ. I think people can wait 5-10 minutes to make a call or call someone back if they’re in the shitter. Not being able to talk on your fucking cell phone during that time is not going to make or break your career. Some of these shit heads start making tons of calls, looking for files in their briefcase and taking notes. Public restrooms should be a place of silence. Why don't we upgrade them with an Internet port to plug a laptop in, a desk that folds down from the wall, and a coffee maker so these bastards can work easier from the toilet?

The Conversationist: This guy has to be the worst of them all. This is the fucker who decides to piss in the urinal next to you, even though there are 40 free ones, and strike up a conversation. He’ll start talking about how windy it is, how his dog has AIDS or even how he walked in on his grandparents bumpin’ uglies. Whatever the fuck the topic is, it’s pointless and no one cares.

The Over-Zealous Toilet Paper User: I will be honest. I like to take a crap when there is no one else in the restroom, it’s just more comfortable. And when someone does come in a take a crap next to my stall, I can’t fucking wait until they leave. You can expect their departure to be shortly after you hear them pulling on the TP. However, there are some guys who overstep in this field. Toilet paper is not a right, it’s a privilege. These wasteful fuckers overuse toilet paper and are the ones I blame when I take a crap and when it’s gone. You know you have an Over-Zealous TP User when you hear them yank so hard on the roll the walls shake. They must spin off a good 20 feet, fumble around for a bit and spin again. It’s not the wheel of fortune you fuck heads, one good spin and you’re done. In fact, I say you get one spin and after that, the TP roll locks itself and youre screwed.
If you take anything from this, let it be the ability to recognize the people who do the above so you can give them shit for it. They drive me crazy, hopefully you can help do something about it.

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