Why 'My Little Ponies' Must Die

It has long been a subject of great debate, and now it is time to take action. Just last week 3 children and 1 adult were horribly injured in an altercation with a rough-neck band of 6 My Little Ponies. The children, as witnesses claim, were happily enjoying play-time in New York's Central Park when the six Ponies approached in an aggressive manner.

"I've seen these ponies around town, and they're up to no good. I was about 70 or so yards away when I saw Applejack and Blossom, apparently leaders of this evil cult, begin to harass two of the children", which were 8 year old Jason McCormick and 5 year old Trevor Caldoway. The third, 7 year old Kelsey Haddaway ran for help. Unfortunately she was tackled by 3 ponies after making it only 20 or so yards. Witness say she killed one by biting it's head completely off and tossing it at another pony, wounding it critically.

Trevor's father, James, was only a few hundred feet away when he heard his sons cry for help.

"I immediately came running and found my son being held up by two of these monstrous ponies while another was punching him in the stomach. I grabbed one by it's tail and swung it into the forest where it was impaled by a random spear sticking out of the ground and punched another in the face. I guess the other ponies saw this and immediately turned on me and the last thing I remember was seeing a pink hoof coming towards my face and I woke up here in the hospital in a full body cast."

Central Park police luckily were in the area and received the report and within minutes were on the scene. As they arrived the officers spotted the 4 remaining ponies darting into the forest and were unable to continue the pursuit on foot. Luckily the City of New York recently ratified the police use of cheetas in the park to ride on after convicts and attackers.

"These cheetahs are highly trained and will seek out their enemy with a mounted police officer in minutes. Officers have been authorized to fire from the backs of these cheetahs if the need should arise, and a shoot-to-kill if the situation escalates" explained Chief of Police, Jack Slater.

The 4 ponies were pursued 100 yards into the forest when they realized there was no place to go and turned on the cheetah-mounted officers for a final fight. Officer Terry McNally, riding Billy Blazes the cheetah, fired 12 rounds into one pony and another 35 into a second. He then let his cheetah eat the severely wounded ponies. Officer Rick Stalker luckily didn't have to fire his sidearm once, as his cheetah, Chester, swallowed the last two alive.

Toxicology reports on the remaining dead ponies showed elevated levels of heroine, cocaine, LSD, PCP, Chylamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, Cranial Herpes, Hepatitis A-M, PTSD, various lethal skin diseases, Cataracts and Amnesia.