Burt Reynolds Update

We were not sure here at RATM if people remember a great man like Burt. That is why sought out his old ass for a few comments. Fortunately he was kind enough to lend us a few moments and the following statements:

"First off, advertising on other people's blogs is the most dis-honest and whoreish thing a being of this world can do" Claimed the famed actor as he drew away on his etch-a-sketch.

"Secondly, if you sack a woman, use the foil to test the oil. Literally. I remember many a lonely nights with my agent and a box of aluminum foil" Reynolds growled as he defiled his bar stool with a violent stream of urine and tossing the etch-a-sketch across the room.

We waited paitently for a third comment from Burt, but unfortunatley were unable to rouse him from a drunken slumber. Our reporters and half of the bar staff began to beat him and break bottles over his head with little result. Thankfully, Alan Greenspan stumbled out of a dark corner cursing while finishing a bottle of Absinthe and threatned reynolds with forcasts of a bad fiscal year.

If you are a reader of this blog for the first time and would like to feel like you benifeted from this article in even the slightest way, let me see if I can help you. First, etch-a-sketchs are worthless and should be destroyed at first sight. Secondly, understand how sorry we are for wasting your time and know that places and people like us can be forgotten.

Fathoming the Donkey Punch

Ever take a nice walk down the street or through the park and hear punk kids screaming "Donkey Punch!"? Do you watch CNN and wonder what all the hype about this 'Donkey Punch' is? Would you like to gain a better knowledge of this sacred move?

Well, on this special edition article of "Fathoming the Donkey Punch" we're going to dive right into the mystery and knock some sense into your knoggin'. But in order to understand what this is really, we must first search for the history behind it. To do this we turned to the man who is behind this movement( indirectly). Tony Danza.

"I think this really started to catch on when my show was at the peak of its time" exclaimed Danza, famous for playing Tony the house-keeper on the 80's hit show 'Who's the Boss'.

"Some how, or some way, people began saying the name of my show when they were getting it on with their significant other, actually...mostly..in fact it was always guys saying it to their bitches" stated Mr. Danza as he swept up a pile of dirt in an apron.

"From that point on it evolved to the name of 'Tony Danza'. You could see it everywhere, dudes were saying it to their bitches and calling it the 'Tony Danza', they were banging the bejesus out of their bitches and telling their buddies they pulled the 'Tony Danza' on her the next day. At first I all over this, doing it to my bitches and even my bitches' bitches. It was like a never ending circus of fun, but it had to stop, bitches were getting hurt and getting pissed."

We would agree with Mr. Danza on that one, pissed bitches always lead to a bad and lonely night. So what we can take from Tony Danza's story is the evolution of this aggressive and violent move with a harsh name to a more classy title....the 'Tony Danza' with the same amount of physical abuse. However insightful Mr. Danza's statements may be, we felt to better serve our readers we must look harder into the truth and come at it with a different angle. Which is why we asked Dr. McGram of the University of Southern California about this 'Tony Danza' move and what else he could tell us about its' evolution. He has a Masters degree in rare forms of intriguing yet bad physical abuse.

"The 'Tony Danza' evolved into the 'Donkey Punch' as the show 'Who's the Boss's popularity began to wane. It's said that this name was chosen from the sheer force that the hit video game character 'Donkey Kong' put into his punches. From there people started on this fad, and this new signature move became an important tool in the male arsenal" claimed Dr. McGram as he polished up some brass knuckles.

Now the truth slowly reveals itself. But what exactly is the 'Donkey Punch'? This was exactly the question we posed to Dr. McGram.

"The 'Donkey Punch' really is a sexual move performed from the 'doggy-style' position. The major cause of the propagation of this term was its shock value when explaining it to an unexpecting friend or colleague. The supposed move involves the male punching the female in the back of the head immediately before orgasm, accompanied in most tellings of the technique with a victorious cry of "Donkey Punch!". The alleged purpose is for the enhanced male orgasm due to the contracting of the muscles in the vagina."

Further research on our part yielded another term for this move, known as the "Rabbit Punch". Of course this is a weak name for such a powerful move, hence it never becoming the official term.

Anyways, thanks for stopping by RATM again and letting us ruin your mind. Have a safe trip where ever the hell you go and don't forget to stop by again.

Hacking the Matrix 101

"Hacking the Matrix isn't as hard as one would believe", stated Keanu Reeves(Neo) from the Matrix. "Really you just have to tell yourself what I told myself as I threw my ass off that building in the first movie....free your mind."

Interesting? Yes, well that's what we here at RATM thought as well. But it makes sense to free your mind and fall off a building, minus the whole falling part. This all sounds good and dandy, but can we as boring human beings not having uploaded fighting knowledge to our heads learn to hack the Matrix? The answer is yes, or at least from Trinity's point of view( Carrie Ann Moss).

"It all boils down to thinking outside of your mind, then from that state of mind thinking back into a normal state of mind then turn yourself inside out through a mental projection of your digital self and finally learning to bend an aluminum utensil with your mind hanging upside down" stammered Trinity as she fought 3 agents.

If you're just as non-confused as we're not, then let's take a look at another source for an answer to this question. Fortunately we were able to run across Morpheous waiting tables at a local pub,

"Shit man, I dan't na wha dis shat be all bout' man...fuck man. We here in da shit...fuck, wer be me weed, damn boy."

Little did you know that in the Matrix 4, The Matrix Reformulazationism, Morpheous is forced to battle the master machine sea-urchin thingy in an epic game of leap frog. As you can see, he wasn't the victor and was left in this sad and disgusting state of matrix uncoolness.

Maybe if we take a different look at this, things will seem a little easier to understand. For example, hobbits and midgets don't apparently exist in the Matrix. Which makes sense, why would the machines need Circuses and yard ornaments to furnish the digital world? But if these beings don't exist in the Matrix, yet for some reason they do here, then maybe this is the key we have been looking for.

So essentially if we can become one of these in the Matrix, this could count as a valid 'Hack', followed by massive digital exploiting.

Stay tuned for the continuation of this article next week, as we search for the best and most ethical way to hack the Matrix.

Key Link Arrested

Our staff here were suprised to find out early this morning that the world famous Ronald McDonald was arrested in a small park outside of the town of Nantuckett.
"Never in my life have I seen such insasnity and wretchedness from a childrens hero" commented chief of the Nantuckett Police department, Barry Paulson.
Apparently the famed idol was found wallowing in his own puke and screaming obsenities at local residents as they tried to help him.
"I so sick of his shit, this fucking crap happens more and more now and I just can't go on anymore. Ron is going to have to make a choice here, its either me or the bottle, but not both. It didn't use to be this way, fuck, what happend to him I will never be sure" cried an emotional Hamburgular.
What concerns the staff here at RATM is that now our story on "The Search for Grimace" will have to be put on hold as Ronald alone holds the final keys pieces to this age old mystery. Hopefully Ronald chooses a better life of playing with kids in McDonaldland unsupervised then wandering city streets at night causing chaos.

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We have readers...?

Apparently people actually read this stuff. I thought this would never happen...I just spent the last few minutes crying over this new found statistic. Seriously though, I don't care. Well, I guess that means that I have to do a better job at keeping this up to date. Unfortunately, due to time constraints and other unforseen circumstances, RATM will not be able to move to its own site till the new year. We figured if that fails then we will start a new Internet and invite people to it if they are cool enough. It will be like a giant clubhouse of nonsense and stupidity that will shame the human race for years to come.

By the way, I re-read our posts on 'The Search for Griamce' or whatever the hell we called it. I felt so bad for us and all the non-work that goes into this project and wanted to apologize for the all that. Which is why it has motivated me to finish the second half of the Griamce search. We have top men working on this one trust us. We even have government funding, which is why we all must support excessive pork-barrel spending. Trust us, knowledge like this is worth having.

-Z