Dinosaur Territory threatened

Dinosaurs located on the remote 'Isla Nublar' , also known to be the setting of the films Jurassic Park, have recently been threatened to be put out of existence.

Former Secretary of the State Madeline Albright has this to say about the tragedy:

"This is such a tragedy"

Aside from Mrs. Albright's witty comments to RATM reporters, there was very little care about this ancient species. Most of Congress completely ignored the situation and would not take a comment from us about this particular issue.

The history behind the dinosaur habitat actually started out as Alan Greenspan's second hobby, and after raising many of the dinosaurs himself, he released them into the wild on this island.
On several occasions children from Cuba and other near by countries would visit Greenspan's creation and never return. Many believed that the children simply perished on the island, others that they actually just made rafts and floated into the U.S. shores.

In order to get a better idea at what this island was all about, Alan Greenspan gave us the GPS coordinates to his island. We immediately plugged them into our very own satellite and got the photo below. We were surprised at the results. It appeared to us immediately that the purple dinosaurs were beginning to take control of the island.

Keebler Elves Arrested

Earlier today reporters here at RATM gained word of the arrest of a band of Keebler Elves on charges ranging from disorderly conduct to possession of illegal firearms. Chief of the Keebler elves had this to say about the recent event:

"These charges are wrong and unnecessary. The arrest of my kindred has substantially put a massive cut into cookie production. The prosecution better get ready for a large law suit coming their way."

We asked about the firearms, the chief Elf had no comment and jumped into a river of chocolate and swam away.

"This is not the behavior we expected from these tree-elves, and by no means do we plan to let it go lightly. These elves can expect full punishment from the law. Thier attempts to bribe law enforcement and the DA with several hundred boxes of 'El-Fudge' cookies was a futile attempt and only shows how little they think of today's laws, pardon the pun" commented FBI agent Horatio Meldino.

After more research was done on the event, our reporters were able to ascertain why the elves had apparently 'armed themselves'.

"It's the only way to protect our precious baked goods. We used up all our arrows, and our trebuchets were over-worked and breaking down. Glocks, pistols and old Winchesters were our only salvation against the enemy" stated lead Cookie Production elf Legolas.

Apparently the enemy has been identified as a rag-tag band of inner city kids lead by the notorious and battle thirsty Tony the Tiger. Authorities are still on the look out for this group and warns parents and kids alike to immediately destroy all boxes of Frosted Flakes in their household as this may attract disorderly band of rebels.

Why this war has suddenly started is not yet known. Authorities have blocked off the Keebler tree as a crime scene and have CSI working on the case as we speak. The tree, located in what is now Central Park, appears to have suffered severe damage and will take armies of elves to repair. Estimated damages lay in the equivalent of 100,000 boxes of Keebler cookies.

Stay tuned as we will post any new events on this developing story.

Nominated or Not...?

Today President Bush predicted that Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers will be confirmed for a seat on the bench. When asked by reporters how the President managed to see into the future to provide such a guaranteed answer his only response was,

"We have ways to get things done and figured out. We will get the terrorists" stated President Bush as he palmed a Magic 8 ball.

Apparently Miers' nomination has not been well received in consertive circles. Many pointed foam fingers at Bush for choosing a so called 'lame' candidate and called for a break in session to argue it over. Reporters from RATM asked famed actor Burt Reynolds' opinion on the matter.

"Who? Miers? Yeah, I remember her. She and I had a 'thing' if you catch my drift" stated Reynolds grasping a beer and stumbling briefly before falling to the ground. Fortunately we were able to get the following comments from Reynolds before he lost control:

"You don't know me...I already told ya mires is good for tha job. You guys are grrrr...eat, you know what she told me once...? She said that if con is the opposite of pro, does that mean that Congress is the opposite of Progress? You know, you know...think about it" cried Burt from a face down position in his own vomit.

RATM reporters immediately attacked Reynolds for beginning to think on his own and for making such a profound statement. After splintering several bar stools and wood planks over his head, Burt was eventually subdued.

Luckily we got a chance to talk to mires ourselves and she offered this as a response to our question of if she was going to get job or not:

"It's so hard to know anymore. For every supporter I get, there's a player-hater that jumps in on the situation. The President has been very supportive in my nomination and has on many occasions brought me cookies to calm my stressful days. I would say that there is really nothing keeping me from making it all the way" professed Miers with a mouth full of what appeared to be delicious cookies.

"An internal battle over nominations may hurt the GOP in next years congressional elections" explained Manuel Miranda from his hot tub located deep under the White House.

Fair claims have been made by all parties. The only thing we can do is to wait and see how this all turns out.

Charles is in Charge...

If you thought you knew this dynamic duo than you thought wrong. We here at RATM have had a few words with these two famous old school actors and learned a lot. Here's what Scott Baio (Charles) had to say:

"Man, these bitches got nothin' on me, me and my crew are husslin' the left side like its da crypt side yo. Fo' sho, fo sho. I got da bitches ridin' my pole like its flag day, there aint' notin' left of em' when I done wit my shit yo"

If you are hatin' ( Being disrespectful in a most un-cordial manner) then don't front (show your toughness in the face of danger)...stated Scott Baio in a translation brought to you by Air Mexicana.

Where do these famous actors' root lay? Buddy has no importance here, and we only had to put his picture to fill some 'Extra Space' (sorry Willie Aames, you had it comming). (Shit, in the picture we had to crop some of that damn hair, kemo patients were lineing up).
Scott Baio however, has an interesting past.

"I saw this boy (como te llamos) runnin' cross that there river faster then I evr' seen a boy run , (yo taco) he just about walked across(chipotle) that water" claimed one random Mexican Border-resident.

Sources seem to prove that Scott Baio, apparently wasn't in charge however, he was more like Charles in cognito. Despite his ties to an Italian heritage, which in no way can be even remotely possible, frequent looting of the southern border of Texas by Baio's so called clan has been confirmed.

"Damn wanna-be actors stealing me sheep and beatin' off in my crops" cried Local super- close to the Mexican border resident Jonh Greer.

Behavior like this is unacceptable by RATM's standards. Luckily we were able to get Baio for a few words...

"You don't know me, I roll with seven Italian/Mexican/Hungarian/(enter slang term here) gangs. If you....thinfs...hah....whaht...grrrrrr.....

Unfortunately Scott Baio lost conscientiousness during the interview and we were unable to rouse him. Profuse beating and submerging his head in tequila had little success.

Ronald and Hamburglar Exposed

Are you kidding me...?

Honestly. I will keep this short and sweet. Where is Arby's mascot? McDonalds has Ronald McDonald, Taco Bell once had a creepy dog, and Subway has jarred. Where is the love for Arby's? Spokeswoman Michelle O'Connel had a few words to enlighten the subject...

"We never felt that a mascot would define us as a franchise, so much random drug abuse and teenage alcoholism is seen as a characteristic of burger joints like our competitors. We believe in a hard earned all-beef sandwich for dinner, breakfast and lunch" commented O'Connel after a long days work on the Texas-based beef ranch.

"We need support from someone, Ronald has to much on his shoulders over there at Mickey D's, we need a clown like em' over' here ropin' in all the folks" stammered Al Bonsworth, Chief of mascot retainment for Arby's(Bailey's Co.).

As sad as we don't feel for this corporation, someone has to do something. If you are one of those gifted individuals that has the nack for helping multi-million dollar franchises with their lack of a sophisticated mascot, please feel free to tell someone...but not us. Listen to what a Arby's cashier (Formerly McDonalds) had to say about this hell on earth...

"It didn't use to be like this, Ron used to hug and hold us when we were sad. Now with all the hell that goes on with these 'Curly Fries' I don't feel at home at all. Things are all geared towards the 'Market Fresh' ordeal and making the best Roast beef Sandwiches man has ever tasted."

Honestly...we really don't care about this sad ass story anymore. If Arby's wants to be the outcast and choose a life without 'Play places' and happy go-luckily, stupid-ass, imaginary, plastic molds from hell...then so be it.

Or...

Submit your comments to this post on what Arby's mascot should be. If I don't think you are a threat to this Nation's national security I will post the best answer and you will win free Arby's for how ever long I decide.

Thanks. If you are disappointed with this article...

First: Tell someone that is sober
Second: I get paid to do this so back off
Third: I'm to rich to deal with this crap...