Damn You Monica

You are way to fine, die.

Burger King's old family

In the late 1970s and early 1980s, Burger King used a mascot to advertise their meals. The "Burger King" was a bearded king, who ruled the Burger King Kingdom, along with other characters such as The Duke of Doubt (his arch nemesis), Burger Thing (a large burger puppet), Sir Shakes-A-Lot (a knight with a craving for Burger King milkshakes), and the Wizard of Fries (a robot powered by french fries). Once, seeing that the Burger King could create food from thin air, the Duke of Doubt asks "Make me a shake." The King happily obliges by turning the Duke into a giant milkshake. The ad campaign slogan was "Magic makes it special when your with Burger King."
An image of Sir-shakes-a-lot



A little Dialoge recovered from an old Burger King commercial:

Burger King: Hey, Sir Shakes-A-Lot. Can I ask you something?

Shakes-A-Lot: GrEaT sHaKeS, bUrGeR kInG!

Burger King: Um, yeah... Sir Shakes, where do you get that shake?

Shakes-A-Lot: wHaT dO YoU mEaN?

Burger King: We didn't make that shake. Where did you get it?

Shakes-A-Lot: i, Er, I mEaN... iT's A bOmB!

Why Ninjas Rawk

They have always been in our imagination, always seeming to entertain us with their amazing skill and accuracy. They can never be killed and always seem to complete their mission. Then after a tough day of fucking shit up, they go home, unnoticed and under appreciated. They are ninjas, and don't fuck with them otherwise you will get pwned.

In this article I want to talk a little about ninjas and why they are so badass. I will go into a little history, then move to cover other intriguing topics as they enter my mind.

Although ninja were almost always Japanese, the roots of the ninja philosophy lie in China, where Sun Tzu wrote "The Art of War" in the 4th or 5th century, B.C. Howstuffworks.com writes " "The Art of War" is a guide for military commanders that is still considered essential reading for modern military officers, as well as businesspeople. One part of the text in particular caused changes in the philosophy of Japanese warriors that would eventually lead to the ideology of the ninja...It also recommends that generals find out as much as possible about their enemy by using spies and other practical methods."

Traditionally, the Japanese would line up in battle to fight each other one-on-one which was considered most honorable. Then, a man came along who changed everything. His vision was unbelievable and took many a long time comprehend. His name was Ninja. He fought wars in a different way, by the art of stealthism rather than being a retard and die in a stupid way. It was said that Ninja was forged from molten magma that came from deep within a random Japanese volcano.

An ancient Japanese painting of Ninja conquering a 'wannabe' black ninja


Ninja slowly began to train others and aptly named them after himself. Soon all these ninjas began began secretly creeping around in woods, shrubs, big shrubs, peoples garages, offices and other bizarre places that existed in ancient Japan. Being completely bored out of their minds, they began killing people and it was kool.

That is the history of ninjas. If you disagree with me or want to add anything that I have written above, then you can go to hell. My information comes from very old Japanese scrolls made of little children and tigers. Here at RATM we may not always be right, but we are never wrong.

Robot Jox named Movie of the Century

It is post-World War III. War is outlawed. In its place, are matches between large Robots called Robot Jox. These matches take place between two large superpowers over disputed territories. The main character Achilles is a pilot in one of the large Robots. The plot revolves around him and a match for the state of Alaska.

So goes the summary for this awesome movie from imbd.com. RATM has been sifting through movies for quite some time, looking for one that fit our "Movie of the Century" title and finally we have one.

No Doubt About It, Brady got Pwned

"I got pwned, no arguments at all, the Denver Broncos destroyed me and all and my man-pride" cried Brady during an interview with RATM reporter Drake Salamander earlier today.

"At times I felt as if I was the only one out there, almost as if it were me against an army of Broncos, continually raping me over and over without any kind of lube" confessed Brady.

The Denver Broncos win over the New England Patriots last Saturday night has put the Broncos in firm standing for the rest of the playoffs with a key home field advantage. They are considered to be a very large contender for the Super Bowl this year, pwning all teams that step into their way.

"My advice, don't mess with them. It felt like they (Broncos) grabbed our throats, ripped them out, beat us senseless with them, lit us on fire and then left us for dead" stated 245 lb. Offensive line backer Chad Brown from the shamed New England Patriots.

Dr. Z from sportsillustrated.com writes, "Blitzes were their undoing. Maybe that will be the new defensive textbook for playoff football. When you're playing a team that clinched early and rested people, blitz the hell out of them because they'll be rusty in their adjustments."

It's probably safe to say that the Patriots team will be dissolved for next year. That or they will be cursed by a necromancer and all things they touch will die and turn into ash. Either way, they got pwned and there is no way to redeem themselves, no way at all.

Fathoming "Emo"

Urbandictionary.com defines "Emo" as "a group of white, mostly middle-class well-off kids who find imperfections in there life and create a ridiculous, depressing melodrama around each one. They often take anti-depressants, even though the majority don't need them. They need to wake up and deal with life like everyone else instead of wallowing in their imaginary quagmire of torment."

RATM decided to put this article together for the simple fact that we know so little about this new style emerging in our youth. To get a better grasp of what this "Emo" is, we asked Dr. Miles Borne of Emo Researchers Inc.

"We still know little about why these kids dress like they do and behave so oddly. About a month ago we had our super-computers scouring the Internet looking for gatherings of these "Emos" so that we could stand by silently and watch. The following was an intercepted "Emo" conversation between two "Emos"."

XxSlavetoAnguishxX: omg my gf just left me

acidburnedsoul: that sux man

XxSlavetoAnguishxX: i blame myself only i'm such an ass *cries*

acidburnedsoul: dude come over to my house and we can cut ourselves together

XxSlavetoAnguishxX: okay *cries*

acidburnedsoul: omg dashboard confessional has a new cd, i preordered it already

XxSlavetoAnguishxX: dude they're my favorite band to self-mutilate to

acidburnedsoul: i prefer to cut myself while watching Napoleon Dynamite on my bigscreen

XxSlavetoAnguishxX: dude that movie is so deep. i cry every time i see it, sometimes my parents will come downstairs and cut with me if their in the mood.

acidburnedsoul: I cry way too much man. i hate myself, times are tough dude :)

XxSlavetoAnguishxX: yeah we're such tortured souls, nobody understands how hard life is for us

acidburnedsoul: yeah we got it tough dude. pass the tissues *sniff* *sniff*


"Trying to understand what is going on in the minds of these kids is extremely difficult, it takes a lot of time and money to build strong evidence and put together a publishment for the world" explains Dr. Borne as he tosses Moltov Cocktails out his office window at "Emo" kids below.

"Few people understand the work that goes on here, how much we as researchers have sacrificed for the knowledge of mankind" stated Miles Borne while watching the bond fire below grow in intensity from the many burning "Emo" bodies.

"These kids are just mislead, probably didn't get enough beatings from their parents when they were young and never got to play their fathers tools or machinery. What they need is to move on, and stop sharing pants with their mothers and sisters" proclaimed Dr. Borne as he watched in excitement as police and firefighters threw more "Emo" on the fire.


Man celebrating after "Emos" removed from city by fire

100th Post Celebration, Hating on Myspace

For our 100th post on RATM, we have prepared something a little different for our readers. Usually we post breaking news on topics such as law, politics, health, killer whale over-population and weather. Almost always, as in 91.36% of the time, we find the good things in stories and convey that to you all as readers. It makes you all feel good and in turn you all take that joy and spread that to others. There are times though, 7.64%, where we bash, thrash, make fun, punch hot-annoying girls, kick little kids, steal from dead bodies and yell at old people in our stories.

Today we found some information on a site that really dislikes Myspace. Why would we do this? Well, we hate Myspace. It's annoying, everyone has a Myspace and it causes cancer.

Encyclopedia of Stupid located at encyclopediaofstupid.com defines Myspace as "a type of social networking website that was created for preteens and teens who haven't found their testicles yet. Myspace allows children to create an entire web page dedicated to themselves and can decorate it accordingly. Many kids who think they're "hip" and "cool" use Myspace and spend hours looking at other people's Myspace."
We couldn't agree more.

Here is what else Encyclopdia of Stupid had to say:

"There really are only four types of people who use myspace. Goths, Guys looking for pussy, Girls looking for cock and popularity and losers."

To read more of what these guys have to say on thier hilarious site about this topic click the link below.

Why Myspace Servers and it's Creators should be locked in a Safe and dropped in the Ocean




Soon to come from RATM, Fathoming Emo. Stay tuned as well will put this into a 3 part series, as why try to understand why the fuck people dress emo, like emo and smell like emo.

Parker Beach, 2006

Our Chief Editor, Z, is involved in yet another movie project with Cheapskatestudios.com. He will be playing himself in this non-fictional depiction of the real lives of real people in the town of Parker located in Colorado.

"It's about actual events of actual people in an actual town" explains Casey Meraz, founder and owner of Cheapskatestudios.com and the brains behind the project.

If you want to see a brief trailer of Parker Beach, you can view it by clicking on the link below.


Parker Beach

Facts About Chuck Norris, Part 3

- When a tsunami happens, it'’s because Chuck Norris has been swimming laps in the ocean.

-Chuck Norris poops light sabers.

-Chuck Norris clips his toenails with a chain saw. But he holds it backwards.

-Chuck Norris likes his coffee like he likes his women: ground up, packed in a burlap sack, and thrown over the back of a donkey.

-Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Chuck Norris threw it.

-Chuck Norris’s belly button is actually a power outlet.

-Camels have a hump because Chuck Norris needed a place to store his kills.

-Chuck Norris has a beautiful singing voice. Unfortunately, the sound of it would melt the average human brain.

-Chuck Norris has a pet kitten - every night for a snack.

-On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.

-Chuck Norris graduated from school with a degree in Chuck Norris.

-Our founding fathers originally decreed a strict separation between Chuck Norris and state. Chuck Norris eliminated them.

-The only thing Chuck Norris fears is Chuck Norris.


*Courtesy of mike.wordpress.com, who may or may not be the original author. The above post can be viewed here.

Facts About Chuck Norris, Part 2

-Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

-The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

-Chuck Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Chuck Norris loves you.

-If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

-Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.

-There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

-There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

-In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.

-Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people

-In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

-Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

-Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

-When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

-Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

-When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead.

-Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

-Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

-When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.



*Courtesy of mike.wordpress.com, who may not be the original author. The above can be originally viewed here.

Facts About Chuck Norris

-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

-Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

-Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

-Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

-Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

-Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

-Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

(Courtsey of some random person, I sure as hell wouldn't write that crap)

Sith Lords amoung us?

Recently we got word of a man who claims he has sith powers. His name and location remain a mystery at this time, but this rare photo was captured by one of our reporters on a different assignement. Traditionally, we tend to overlook these obscure claims, but when a picture likes this is found we must take action. We have contacted this man:




And he had this to say in response,

"Fuck you pricks, you just cost me $100 million to listen to your nonsense. Now I have to go burn down 2-3 rainforests to make up for it......bitches."

A picture of the 1st of 3 rainforests Lucas personally burned downed himself with molotov cocktails dropped from space.

U.S. to attend Asia-Pacific climate talks

"Producers of half the world's 'greenhouse' gases are angling for more private investment to create cleaner energy technologies and help slow global warming", stated Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice from her cell phone in her H2 Hummer while pulling a boat up a hill with the A/C on full blast.

Condoleezza Rice, Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman and Morpheus from the Matrix will meet next week in Sydney, Australia, with representatives from five Asian and Pacific nations to figure why humans pollute so much. Goals for the meeting include: formulating a plan to combat global warming, planning another meeting to combat global warming and figuring out why Morpheus was at the conference. Catering for lunch at the meeting will be provided by either Cafe Sel Et Poivre or Jack-in-the Box.

The White House says blaming Australia, China, India, Japan and South Korea for dumping toxic waste straight into the nearest Ocean and cutting down trees for sport may have been completely unfounded. Congress will allocate an excess of $190 million to form a committee to research into the matter more. The U.S. hopes that this small mishap wont hinder attendance from any of the Asian countrys at the climate talk.

Among major developed nations, only the United States and Australia rejected the 1997 treaty negotiated in Kyoto, Japan, that mandates specific cutbacks in emissions of carbon dioxide and five other gases by 2012 in 35 industrialized countries.

"We are not to blame for pollution and any accusations of this will result in immediate invasion and blaming that country of harboring terrorists", stated President George W. Bush while he threw in several old tires soaked in lead paint into the White House incinerator.

Finally, President Bush threatened that if we can't stop polluting the Earth's Oceans then no one gets to have them. He will simply remove them by launching all the Ocean water into space, thus ending pollution arguments and Hurricanes all together. Also, this would stop the popularity of killer wales as well as they are very annoying.

A boy and his Animatronic brother

A married couple in California were arrested on Tuesday for leaving their 10-year-old son and 5 year-old anamatronic son home alone, police said.

Jacob Calero, 39, and Michelle De La Vega, 32 left their 10-year-old son Joshua home to care for his 5-year-brother/AI being, Jason, who is pure robot, when they celebrated the new year in Las Vegas for five days-- but got a dog-sitter for their puppies -- local police said.

"The fact that they left us alone truly did suck balls, but the worst part was when we tried to go swimming and Jason sunk to the bottom of the pool. What could I do? I tried to pull him up, but he weighs so much that I decided to go play Nintendo instead and Jason spent the night at the bottom of the pool."

"They should have known better than to leave us alone," 10-year-old Joshua Calero was quoted as saying by The Chronicle on Wednesday from his grandmother's house in Manteca. "They knew it was against the law, those bitches."

Police said they believe the couple had left the boys home alone on previous occasions. The police asked the older boy how many times they'd been left alone, and he said "too many times to count, shit officer, the parties we had rollin' up here wer inzane yo, i get these fat bitches all over me cause they know im da shit, but im tired of the crazy life. I just want my parents home now."

"I had big concerns," Libbey Holden said, grandmother to the two kids. "These kids are helpless. Especially the robot one, they usually have him lift heavy objects over and over for entertainment. Sometimes, they'll make him roll over a 1,000 marijuana joints in less than 10 minutes then smoke them all. It's sad I know, but I must admit, when we make him drink the ammonia and bleach milk shake its pretty funny."

Police found the children asleep in their beds Saturday night. A gas fireplace was on with several leaking gas cans, bricks of C4, hundreds of matches, a nuclear reactor going critical and Osama Bin Laden in a cage, but they found nothing out of the ordinary.

The children are now in Libbey Holden's custody and the parents are facing life in prison or the death penalty.